Exploding

Well belive it or not I've only just came back from sch, and I'm sitting in front of the com still clad in my uniform. It's just that I'm brimming with so many thoughts I think I might very well explode with them, and the surest way to prevent that ( and to preseve my sanity) is to 'pen' this down.

Today during PW I had a sobering session. Nope it had nothing to do with the formal conference at all, but with what H. shared with us. Can't divulge much here, but it turned out he had a past which we wouldn't have otherwise known about at all. He's changed, from the past to now (in a very postive way) and it wasn't until today that I saw him in a very different light. Sure, he'd exuded a kind of devil-may-care attitude before (I still wonder how he got into council) and fooled around in class, but behind it all lies this seriousness. I think it weighs heavily on him, and it still does. Nothing too dire here, but I think it's taken some good courage for him to finally be enlightened, and in the process find himself. He'd foresaken his dreams to conform to what is expected of him... and I wonder if he's considered foolish or wise.

Which makes me reflect. What are we doing all this for anyway? By all this, I mean the incessant mugging, the donning of that mask (mind you don't suffocate yourself. To death) to please people around you, the persual of that unreachable (and most likely hurtful, if you'll ever snag it) desire and most importantly having that instinctive craze of emerging tops in whatever you attempt. The purpose of it all... sometimes we lose the essence of it; the essence of enjoying whatever you do, in however way you like it. Sometimes our vision gets all fogged up, and we're left blaming the whole world for our own demise, when in actual fact we've forgotten that it was our own folly that's blinded us, that's impeded our steps. Sometimes we think it's no use at all, nothing's going to help, we'll forever be trapped in that dark abyss, but have you even tried venturing out of it? Sometimes you just wished the sky would fall and smother you, but wouldn't the clouds cease to enchant you then, and wouldn't the rainbows have no canvass to paint their beautiful selves on? Sigh. It's paradoxical, and I don't think I'll ever understand the meaning to this game called Life...

I often think of myself as this weakling, not daring to venture out of my comfort zone. And indeed my zone is comforting, with all the familiar faces and goings-on. I wonder if a drastic change would occur to all that (I do abhor the word change and all that it entails) and if so, how artfully I'd emerge from my comfy shell. I wonder. I wonder alot. Too much, but unfortunately there are too few answers to fufill my queries. If there are any at all.

Goodness knows what's gotten into me today. Must be the darkened skies (I always feel melancholic when it turns a darker shade of grey) and the rain. And promos! Ugh.
Anyways I'm really glad I've spilt all of this out. Am feeling much better. If you've sat through this far at all, thanks for 'hearing' me out! Haha.

countdown to birthday: 5 days

Jittery

I'm
Like an ant on a frying pan
too frenzied and flustered.
Like ice on the burning sand
too scorched; and melted.
Like raindrops on the window pane
too slippery; and fell.
Like a flea in the lion's mane
too entangled; and yelled.

Silly poem. Ugh. I'm having a serious bout of 'Pre-promos' jitters. There's so much to accomplish in so little time! This is scareeeeeeeee. Hope I'll tide through this safe and sound... Hmm not hope. WILL. Ha.

The Night Has a Thousand Eyes

The Night Has a Thousand Eyes
by Francis William Bourdillon

The night has a thousand eyes,
And the day but one;
Yet the light of the bright world dies
With the dying sun.

The mind has a thousand eyes,
And the heart but one;
Yet the light of a whole life dies
When love is done.

One of the simpler poems I've come across. Simple yet rings true.

ArghZ I should be hitting the books now...

d.r.e.a.r.y

The dreary day got to me,
with droopy clouds and a drizzling rain
and so I was sad to see
the rays of the sun as it wanes.
The birds chirrup away,
in sudden bursts of noises
willing Cheer to come out and play.
But it has disintegrated, into mere nothingness.
Then the cars zoomed this way and that,
mindless in a never-ending race;
competing at the drop of a hat
to emerge winner in contrived Grace.
And it is just as well
that I'm smothered by Boredom,
because I just cannot tell
the difference between reality and my kingdom.

Looney TUnes

Got my mp3 player today, and it rawks. Totally, 'cos it's in a silvery blue colour and looks oh-so-stylish. Haha. (ok SY and XL I know you girls are prolly rolling your eyes away now 'cos you own one too. =P)

And so I loaded songs into it (we can't let 512MB of space to go to waste can we. Bleah.) then realised some songs which I'd chosen to load meant alot to me, in the past. They were not very current ones, but they churned out lots of memories when I listened to them. I think the song which really triggered this was Tori Amos' 'Silent All these Years', but mine was the cover version by YanZi. Depressing song no doubt, (I realise most of my fav. songs are depressing anyway =P) and in my sec sch days I listened to it over and over, 'cos it connected. With moi very very despondent outlook on Life. I pretty much think I suffered from mild depression in sec sch (serious)... dunno what happened but it was like I hit rock bottom, and stayed there for quite a while. Of course something happened which bouyed me up but that's another story...

Why am I rambling on and on anyways. Bleahs. Lets see if I can still remember the lyrics to 'Silent'. Here's the chorus.

Years go by will I still be waiting
for somebody else to understand
Years go by if I'm stripped to my beauty
and the orange clouds rainin' in my head

Years go by will I choke on my tears
till finally there is nothin' left
One more casualty you know
we're too easy easy easy

Hmm hope I did justice to the song by getting the lyrics correct. Brilliant lyrics they are. Melancholic. Orange clouds, whao. =)

.Fire.Works.

Mutli-coloured sparklers,
they lit up my sky.
Radiant and magnificent,
they swallowed the dark.

The dark turned to light,
but only for an instant.
For all things shall fade,
the fireworks too.

Saw the fireworks put up by the Chinese garden just opposite my home a lil' earlier. Lucky us, we get to view them everytime the Mooncake Festival draws near. They were pretty, but no doubt smaller in scale as compared to the NDP types. The most magnificent (live) I've seen remains the one displayed during the official opening of the Esplanade. Beauuutiful. =)

Anyways I have to say Chris Lee from S'pore Idol is very very drool-worthy. Haha. His smile alone is enough to win our votes, hands down. *swoooooons* =P

Saw this quote on TV today, which I immediately took a huge liking to:
'Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take
but by the moments that take your breath away'
What can I say... it took my breath away. ^_^

Bleah

Right. So yesterday was the eve of Teachers' Day, and like everyboday else I returned to my sec sch. Saw Miss Chua outside the hall and when she saw me in my stickman tee she went "Oh you're a saint!", then grabbed my hand and shook it somewhat vigorously. Ha. Some things never change. Miss Chua's eccentricity and zanny-ness sure don't. She still remembered I said I wanted to get into SAJC. Ahh those were the days, when playing Scrabble was all I was caught up with. Miss Chua was there to provide comic relief, but unfortunately we didn't emerge top ten in the grand finals. Oh well.

The concert was pretty interesting. There was the Fuhua Idol competition then the teachers got up and sang. Not bad, our teachers can sing. Surprising. =) But we left halfway through the concert, 'cos we were heading for Kbox.

Got my lunch at Long John's, to be smuggled into Kbox. Then saw KS (yeap XL, your KS =P)and his gang of friends. He didn't hear me when I first called him (we were standing in line at the counter) and his friends had to help me alert him. Was pretty surprised when he saw me, then he peeked over and searched the radius, for any signs of XL I reckon, and that was when I told him not to bother 'cos she wasn't with me. Hmm. Then his (moronic) friends conversed amongst themselves in not-very-hushed whispers, and I think they're mistaking me for KS's girlfriend. They were giggling away (guys, giggling... gaawd), but I think KS cleared the air about the gf part. Then he blurted out without even attempting to be discrete "You want to know her name?", and his friend was like, "Shh! Not so loud!". Hmm. Their mutterings went on for some time and his friend did turn around to apologise. KS asked if I was offended too but I said no. Hmm. Interesting people. The likes from NJ and HC no doubt. Double hmm... ^_^''

Anyway I got my food and proceeded to scream my lungs out at Kbox. It's been a long time since I've done that, and it provided great release. Always choose songs which enable you to screech like anything, they're the most fulfilling. My chums were all yelling along too. Hahha... some vocal prowess we possessed. Sang for over 5 hours, and it was fantastic.

And so hmm nothing much happened today. And it's kinda late now so I'd better go to sleep. =P